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| | Weight Gain
Some Things To Consider...
Gaining weight, as far as I'm concerned, is one of the hardest things about fighting anorexia. If I had it my way, I would be all better, feeling good and healthy, eating whatever I wanted, but my weight would still be very low and I would still be really skinny. Unfortunately, that's not possible. There is no way to have it both ways. One option is that I fight to get better, feel good and healthy and eat more... but gain weight. The (only) other option is that I don't fight to get better, feel lousy and tired and can hardly eat a thing... but stay/become very thin. If I want to feel happier and healthier (and I do), gaining weight is something I'll just have to accept.
The same thing goes for you. You'd probably rather not gain. If you had it your way you would get better and all, feeling happy and healthy, but without adding on one bit of weight. Wouldn't that be wonderful! No deal, however, sorry! No getting better without reaching a normal weight, and what is more scary than that...
Whether it takes a long time or a not so long time, at one point you will get to a weight that has a special meaning to you, whether it's the minimum of a healthy weight for your length, the weight you used to be at, a maximum you set for yourself or just one of those nice round numbers that feel like limits. And even though it's nothing more than a number, it means something, it scares you.
A moment like that is an 'ideal' moment for a relapse. You start thinking: what if the weight gain doesn't stop? When will it? You think: now I'm at this weight, let's diet just a bit to prevent gaining any more. You think: let's just get a little bit off, so that I have a bit of a buffer, just in case. And it's so easy to get sucked back in, so tempting. You have become stronger because you gained weight, and it's easier to go without food now. You know what works and doesn't, you've done it before. It's comfortable and safe and makes you feel in control. In no time at all your resolution to simply prevent any more weight gain will have turned into a full-blown diet. And before you know it, you're right back where you started and vowed never to go again... the anorexia has won again.
Defying this feeling isn't easy. Here are some things to consider when you are tempted which might make it easier to resist.
Gaining weight makes you feel bad, so in order to feel better you want to lose some weight. But think of how you felt when your anorexia was at its worst and you were at that lower weight. Didn't you feel bad then too, maybe more so? In addition to feeling bad, you felt weak too. And you hardly got to eat, much less enjoy it. You almost never enjoyed anything because you were afraid there would be food involved. Going back would mean replacing the lousy feeling you have right now for the lousy feeling you had back then. Do you want that?
Say you feel just as bad now as you did then, and you're like: who cares, I felt bad then and I feel bad now, why not go back... But remember your reasons for fighting the anorexia in the first place. Don't they still matter? Ask yourself: isn't the situation as it is now, as a whole preferable to the situation back then? You felt happier about your weight, but didn't you feel worse as a whole, physically and psychologically?
Consider all the work that went into coming this far, all the fighting, the willpower. Wouldn't it be a real waste if you threw all of that out and started dieting again?
Even though you might feel huge, you can hardly stand the sight of your body in the mirror, your clothes might have gotten too tight and your weight is up... that doesn't mean you're fat. If you are eating normally, you're not officially overweight and others don't think you look fat, isn't it possible that you aren't fat and only feel like you are?
Whether or not you really are fat, you certainly aren't as thin as you would like to be. Isn't it possible, however, that the image in your mind is not realistic? Consider what you did to reach that ideal weight, that ideal image. It took a lot of effort, it took you starving yourself. That isn't a normal thing. Isn't it possible that your ideal weight isn't normal either, and impossible to reach without starving yourself?
Feeling fat makes you depressed, out of control and scared. It makes you feel weak and stupid. Of course you aren't really fat. You know you're not. But say you were. Then what? Would it really matter? Would it make you a bad person, would it change any of the things that are important? Is it really worth starving yourself for? And you aren't even fat, you're just at a normal, healthy weight.
Ask yourself how far you would like to go, if you're thinking you want to lose just a little. How much weight loss would it take for you to be happy again? What weight do you think you'd feel happy with?
Maybe you're thinking, sure, I'm convinced, I don't want to go back to where I was. But I won't, I've been forewarned, I won't let it get out of control. But didn't you let it get out of control last time? Didn't the entire eating disorder start like this? Didn't you feel like you were in control long after you'd lost control? Don't you think it's a big risk, giving in to your desire to diet when you're still in the middle of recovery? At what time would you cross the line into anorexia? And how would you know you were crossing it?
Try and convince yourself not to give in, so all your hard work hasn't been for nothing. Don't let the anorexia beat you. Stand up to her and choose to live! Remind yourself that weightgain is part of recovery, and therefore not something to be afraid or ashamed of, but something to be proud of, it's part of your goal...
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