Step By Step
The focus of this site is on recovery. It's a place of information too, but mostly it's meant as a place of support, of hope and encouragement for those of you who want to fight their Anorexia. This is not something you can do overnight. Some people think all you have to do is eat more. But you know and I know it's more than that. Even the decision to stop this madness and start working on your recovery is not easy. For those of you who haven't started fighting yet, want to, but don't know where to start, here's an idea as to how you might go about it.
This step-by-step program is just one of many possibilities, and in the end you have to do it yourself of course. But this might just help to take the first few steps in the right direction.
WARNING: you will gain weight. I have to tell you that: there is just no way you will get better if you don't gain weight. You hate that, I know. But you have to realize, gaining weight doesn't mean getting fat, it just means going back to a normal and healthy weight. Even though that might scare you, if you want to beat this thing, you have to accept it.
I hope you will be able to use this step-by-step program as a start, a nudge in the right direction. Anyway, it can't hurt to try. So good luck! Remember: you CAN do it! And if you need to talk, you can find a penpal who understands what it is like.
1 Buy a notebook
If you're really going for it, you will need it. Buy something with a lot of pages, it has to appeal to you, because you will be using it a lot. Get something beautiful, think of this as your first act as a recovering Anorexic. Yeah, that's right. Not an Anorexic, a recovering Anorexic. And at the end of all this, you will no longer be an Anorexic. You will be You... You can use this notebook as a diary, to jot down your feelings, to keep track of your progress and your plans. Of course, you can also use the computer, if you like.
2 Do you want to recover?
This is not as easy a question as it seems. You'd think it's pretty obvious; you want to get better, right? Or do you, really? Deep inside, doesn't it feel really safe to have Anorexia? Don't you feel proud and in control? I know I did... Of course there are advantages to this eating disorder, or you wouldn't have it. Do you think you will get enough out of getting better to give up those advantages? This is a difficult decision.
3 Make a list of advantages of your eating disorder
Take a day or two to work on this list and list of disadvantages, under 4. Ask yourself what you're getting out of it. In what way or when does it make you feel better? In what way or when does it make things easier for you? What do you gain from it? Include in this list the reasons why you are afraid to start fighting or don't want to. Think of emotional, physical and social advantages. You could also think of this list as a list of disadvantages of not having anorexia.
Examples: it makes you feel in control, you are losing weight, people worry about you, it distracts you, you're afraid you can't win this fight anyway...
Be sure to include everything in this list, no matter how stupid or trivial it may sound. Be honest with yourself. It's your list and your truth. For inspiration on this list and the other one you could look at how your day would have different if you didn't have anorexia.
4 Make a list of disadvantages of your eating disorder
Ask yourself what this is costing you. In what way or when does it make you feel bad? In what way and when does it make things harder for you? What are you missing out on? At what times did you wish you didn't have Anorexia and why? In what way would your day have been better if you hadn't had anorexia? Think of emotional, physical and social disadvantages. You could also think of this list as a list of advantages of not having anorexia.
Examples: you're dizzy and tired, you might become infertile, you can't enjoy a dinner with friends, you can concentrate, you're scared all the time...
5 Compare your two lists
Now look at both the advantages and the disadvantages of anorexia and compare them. How important are the items on each list to you? It would be nice if you could take the advantages of the eating disorder and not the disadvantages. But you will have to make a choice. Are you willing to live with the disadvantages of the anorexia in order to keep the advantages? Or are the disadvantages so bad that you are willing to give up the advantages? Which means more to you?
Try and come up with substitutions for the advantages of the anorexia, and ask yourself if your fears about giving them up are realistic.
Examples: You're afraid to get fat: tell yourself your body has a natural set point, and normal eating -no matter how impossibly much it may seem- might make you gain weight, but won't make you fat. You need the distraction Anorexia provides: make up a new hobby, read, sing, play music, whatever. You're afraid to lose the sense of control the anorexia provides: ask yourself: are you really in control now, or will you feel more in control when you beat this?
Write down your comments with each of your reasons not to stop, get to know them, "own" them.
6 Make a conscious decision
Once you know what you get out of anorexia and what it's costing you, you can make a conscious decision. You have to be aware of the fact that there is no cheating. You either choose to fight or you choose not to fight. And whatever choice you make, you have to live with the consequences, good and bad.
If you choose not to fight this, that's your choice. You will be able to enjoy the advantages of you eating disorder, for a while anyway (you probably won't live all that long). It's not going to be easy though, you will still have a hard time, because of all of those disadvantages you put on your list.
If you choose to fight this, that's your choice too. You will be able to ditch the disadvantages of the eating disorder and enjoy the advantages of getting better. This isn't going to be easy either, though, because of all the advantages you came up with and are going to have to give up.
There's no getting out of making a choice either, because not making a choice is choosing not to fight, and has its consequences. It's up to you.
Whatever you choose, it won't be easy. The difference is, at the end of the road to recovery you'll be happy. At the end of anorexia you'll be dead. In my opinion, if I will feel bad anyway, I might as well feel bad with ultimately good results.
Just ask yourself: do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? If not, what do you want. And what choice makes it most likely for you to reach those goals?
If you decide you want to fight this, be aware of the fact that it won't be easy. Also be aware of the fact that it's possible to beat this and that it's worth it. Just keep at it and don't give up.
7 Take some time
When (if) you've decided you want to get better, you'll have to come up with a plan. Deciding you want to get better is just the beginning. There's a lot of work to be done.
You don't have to start today. Give yourself a day or two to get used to the idea. Use these two days to realize what you're missing because you have Anorexia: a party, your favorite food, a dinner-date... and use this to add to your list.
8 Make a list of what needs to change
During this time, make your plan. List all the things that are bothering you, everything that is part of the anorexia, everything that you think needs to be changed.
Examples: weighing four times a day, calorie-counting, throwing up, skipping meals, avoiding foods... but also: keeping this a secret, thinking you're ugly and fat...
9 Make a plan
Of course, you can't do everything at once. You have to take it step by step, that's the whole point. But I can't design the steps for you, that depends entirely on who you are, and how you are doing. If you're counting calories, weighing five times a day, weighing your food exactly, eating for example 1000 calories a day, but not losing much weight, you will need different things than if you are skipping as many meals as possible, throwing up when you do eat and losing weight every day. Both of these examples are Anorexia, and both need different things. Everybody is different. And everybody needs different things. Here are some tips and examples:
- - Take small steps. Set goals you can accomplish, things that aren't too easy, but not impossible either.
- - reward yourself when you reach a goal, by doing something nice for yourself.
- - Make your goals concrete and measurable.
- - Set weekly goals. Daily goals are a lot harder. If you set a goal for a week and you don't make it on Tuesday, the week isn't lost.
- - Don't go from weighing five times a day to weighing once every two months. Go from five times a day to for example every morning and every evening. And the next week to only mornings. And maybe the next week to every other day.
- - Don't go from counting calories and writing everything down in detail to not paying any attention to how many calories something has. First write down everything you eat and the amount of calories, but don't add up the amount of calories for lunch. Next week, don't add anything up until late at night. Slowly try to change your habits so you don't choose jam over cheese because it has fewer calories, but because you like it better. I got a really great tip about how to slowly get used to not counting calories anymore: start counting vitamins and minerals. That way you're still counting something, but you're counting healthy things. It will make it easier to eventually let go altogether!
- - If you eat very little to nothing, don't feel forced to eat very much all of a sudden. Not only is that almost impossible to accept, your stomach can't take it. Start by eating at least something at each mealtime. Practice mechanical eating, that means eat when it's time to eat, because you're not used to listening to your hunger anymore. It will take a while before you know when you're hungry again.
- - If you throw up or use laxatives, slowly cut back. Instead of throwing up three times a day, cut back to two, then one, then once every two days...
10 Start fighting
Now that you've decided you wanted to fight, and know how to go about it, it's time to get going!
Don't be afraid, you can do it! Don't worry if you have a bad day, it'll get better. Just don't give up!
11 Go easy on yourself
You are brave for doing this, you can't do this overnight, so don't beat yourself up when you have a relapse or when you don't make your goal. As long as you keep trying and don't give up. If you set a goal for a week and you don't make it, maybe you wanted to take too big a step. Try a smaller step the next week. Don't give up if you fail your goal on Monday, there's still Tuesday and Wednesday etc. Don't think: it didn't work out today so this week is lost. If you do it right even one day, that's progress. You have a choice, every single second.
12 Be nice to yourself
Reward yourself when you accomplish something, buy yourself a present when you have a bad day, meet with your friends when you feel a relapse coming... Take care of yourself.
13 Write
Write things down in your notebook. Your plans, your schedule, your weekly evaluation, even your weight for all I care, until you get to the point where your schedule says stop weighing every day. Keep a diary of how you feel, in what way do you feel you are accomplishing something, do you feel better...
14 Be honest
It's no use lying to yourself. When something goes wrong, ask yourself why and don't be afraid of the answer. Try to figure out what you're avoiding by Anorexia. What do you think caused it?
15 Listen to yourself
That's the hardest part, maybe. Listen to yourself. What do you want? Do feel hungry or thirsty? Would you rather have an apple or a sandwich? Don't just say yes when somebody asks you to do something, think, do you want to do that. Look around you, the people you hang out with, are they good for you? Be straight, look out for yourself. I'm not saying you should be selfish, but you can't be nice to others when you're not nice to yourself. You are the most important thing. You are the basis of everything you do.
16 Find a role model
Look around you and find a role model, a mature, beautiful, neither thin nor fat, healthy woman. Somebody who eats normally, doesn't have Anorexia (anymore?), somebody you can use as an example. It could be your an actress, a singer, whoever, as long as she is healthy (don't pick one of those super thin supermodels). Look at that person for inspiration.
17 Make a list of 'bad thoughts'
There's a voice in your head that tells you you're fat, ugly, unimportant, a pain in the ass, useless. It tells you there's always a back door, you can always get back to dieting. You can always loose that weight again. People look at you because you look fat... Make a list of all of those bad thoughts, and add a healthy thought to each of them.
Examples: You can always go back to dieting: Why would you want to go back to feeling that way! People look at you because you're fat: People look at you because you are a beautiful woman who is taking control of her life! You're not worth it to eat: You are a valuable person and you are definitely worth it to eat and to enjoy it!
18 Feel how much better you feel
When you have a bad day, take a good look at what you have accomplished so far. Read what you've written when you started fighting. Feel the determination. Feel how much better you feel. Look at the list disadvantages of the eating disorder, Which of those have disappeared? Ask yourself again: even though it's hard work, do I want to get back to the way I felt before? Remind yourself of the fact that you made a conscious decision and that you have to deal with the disadvantages as well as the advantages of that.
19 Look for help
You don't have to do this alone. Why make it harder on yourself?
Tell somebody, a friend, a family member, somebody you trust. You'll be surprised by their reaction
Find yourself some professional help, a therapist, counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, eating disorder specialist, homeopathic doctor, dietitian, selfhelp group... whatever works for you.
20 Make your own relapse-prevention plan
Make a list of what you consider to be a relapse. List all the reasons that might cause you to relapse. Then make a list of what you can do to prevent a relapse, or how to handle it when you are having a relapse. Come up with as many fun things to do as possible to cheer yourself up. Take inventory of the people you could call or meet with when you're having a rough day. Let this be your protection!
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